Top Ten Ways ISIS Can Improve Their Image Problem March 01 2015
We are all familiar with ISIS and their terrorist ways, but aren't we all tired of hearing about their shenanigans every time we turn on the news? If they want to go beyond the norm of recruiting teenage British girls, here are some helpful tips for their boring and hateful tactics.
10. More kittens. Who doesn't love kittens, especially in this day in age where cats rule the internet.
9. Use a more catchy logo than that drab black flag. Perhaps IS squared?
8. More Cowbell. Have you ever listened to Islamic music? For some reason, the music that has roots in the trade routes of the 7th century from the horn of Africa to South Central Asia never caught on. Michael McDonald has single-handedly sold more albums than all Islamic albums combined. If the cowbell is good enough for Creedence Clearwater Revival, surely it could help ISIS.
7. Kill Justin Beiber. Westerners hate Terrorists and they hate Justin Beiber. Rather than killing innocent families, journalists, and religious figures - why not do us all a favor and kill someone for the advancement of modern society? The people who love Justin Beiber are the same people that are easily persuaded to fly to Syria for basic training based on some shit they saw on Facebook. Conventional wisdom would tell you not to target your key demographic, but this particular Jihad would strongly realign the Western Word's image of Isis.
6. Change "72 Virgins" to "20 Open Minded Girls With Experience". Have any of you Isis guys ever spent time with a real virgin who wasn't your sister? Convincing one of them you are ready to take it to the next level, much less 72 of them, is WAY harder than strapping a bomb on yourself and blowing up. Virgins aren't looking for one-night stands with a smelly bearded stranger, they are looking for an afterlife-long commitment. With 71 other girls on your mind you will never gain the trust and compassion that is required for deflowering. Open-minded girls who have experience are much more likely to pass second base with your charred remains.
5. Find a way for Kayne West to Dislike You. We're pretty sure Kanye loves ISIS, as it falls within his moral scope, but if there is any possibility of gaining his hatred then it will not go unrewarded. The United States President, Barrack Obama, has called Kanye "a jackass" and all educated westerners subscribe to the opposite of Kanye's views. Kayne openly has shown disapproval for Taylor Swift, Beck, Justin Timberlake, Amber Rose, and dozens of other great people idolized by western culture. Also, he often compares himself to Jesus so...
4. Quit spending all of your time publishing magazines and using social media. When you gain popularity it's easy to forget about everyday tasks like jihads, beating the wives, and sending thank you notes; but you need to stay focused. Sure you are getting some new recruits but how many times have you taken time to smell the roses or blow yourself up this week? What would the Prophet Muhammad, who was purportedly illiterate, think of all of these publications?
3. Consider using a mascot. We would recommend Allahu Ak-Bear, your friendly Terrorbear. This way you can keep in touch with the kids and your target demographic of 18-40:
2. Cheerleaders! No point in having a mascot without cheerleaders. Find the best girls you haven't raped or killed and let them represent with team burkas! Cheerleaders not only represent team spirit and teamwork, but they also help boost fan following and image.
1. Quit being cowardly assholes, hiding behind children and weak people. Educate yourself and present your ideas in a diplomatic forum where you can present your idealistic principles. See if you can make a change without killing people, committing crimes and creating an irresponsible narrative that makes Muslims look bad. There are plenty of good Muslims in the western world and you are making them all unnecessary targets. Islamic religion calls for peace, honors life, values dignity, promotes human development, and directs us to do good to others. Y'all are just assclowns.
Attention Westerners: Please note this is satirical and we hate ISIS as much as 99% of the planet.
Attention ISIS: Big D Vapor in Dallas, Texas, USA and welcome you to come and try to get us. We can't wait, bring it!